I called my employers EAP Program because I was so manic and upset. They swore someone would call me today. A counselor. Noone ever did. Fuck the world.
I go through so many ups and downs in a day. I wake up and can make love, have hope, feel endorphins coursing through my soul. Then I get mired in problems. My mind races. Everything is with me all at once. All current problems, all past problems, they all grapple my ankles and they feel so heavy – I can not move past them. I breath, and I hear my breath. I see the sun move across the sky, warming and noursishing – but I hide. I hide under a blanket. Sometimes a real one, sometimes a metaphorical one.
I fear death. Sometimes I do think how wonderful it will be not to think. Then I get terrified and I cry. How long can I keep up this charade? The everlasting appearance of sanity and control? Most people think I am well reasoned, politic, and have my life under control. In reality I shy from people, I hide in bathrooms and cry. I sit in bed and distance myself from the world.
I just want to quiet my mind. It is stressing me so bad and I am so sad.
Its tough. No matter how hard you try, the human language is rife with inadequacy. Connotations, personal experiences, emotion, blinking of eye – all serve to be a cacophony of confusion fear. Talking can be misunderstood. Silence is cherished, except for when it’s not.
Sometimes I revert. Like now.
- I’m afraid to go out.
- I feel anxious.
- I’m full of energy.
- Terribly intrusive thoughts.
I feel this fear that the world is outside and that it is out to get me. I’m scared to be seen, to be heard, to be. I’m just laying here trying not to panic or hate myself.
I’ll be fine I’m sure, I just am not my normal self at the moment.
I hate when I cry so hard I wail.
Free range mind
Not so kind
Sometimes seemingly relaxed
Just sleeping on a bed of tacks
Ready to pierce my soul
Wobbly like a newborn foal
There are no goals
Just ragged toll
On my overstimulated soul
Digging a deep worthless hole
I hate being fucked over by people. I already have a hard time trusting, being paranoid, accepting, all of that. I put aside my extreme distrust and tried to trust just a little that things would be ok. I was outspoken and advocated for myself and tried to believe in my accomplishments. I tried to believe that I was worth advocating for. The process weaved for 3 weeks with highs and lows. I was ASSURED several times everything was ok.
What happened? At best incompetence ruined my chances of employment in a field I’m qualified for. At worst? People plotted to get me for cheap and hope that I wouldn’t have the chutzpah to say NO right at the last moment. Well, I said no. Now I’m stuck again. I really don’t know how to get through this feeling of impending doom. Deep down, I should have just said yes and been taken advantage of. That would have been better than being discarded, I guess.