There is no help 

There is no help 

I called my employers EAP Program because I was so manic and upset. They swore someone would call me today. A counselor. Noone ever did. Fuck the world. 

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I GO

I GO

I go through so many ups and downs in a day. I wake up and can make love, have hope, feel endorphins coursing through my soul. Then I get mired in problems. My mind races. Everything is with me all at once. All current problems, all past problems, they all grapple my ankles and they feel so heavy – I can not move past them. I breath, and I hear my breath. I see the sun move across the sky, warming and noursishing – but I hide. I hide under a blanket. Sometimes a real one, sometimes a metaphorical one. 

I fear death. Sometimes I do think how wonderful it will be not to think. Then I get terrified and I cry. How long can I keep up this charade? The everlasting appearance of sanity and control? Most people think I am well reasoned, politic, and have my life under control. In reality I shy from people, I hide in bathrooms and cry. I  sit in bed and distance myself from the world.

I just want to quiet my mind. It is stressing me so bad and I am so sad.

I don’t know how to make it right now

I don’t know how to make it right now

I hate being fucked over by people. I already have a hard time trusting, being paranoid, accepting, all of that. I put aside my extreme distrust and tried to trust just a little that things would be ok. I was outspoken and advocated for myself and tried to believe in my accomplishments. I tried to believe that I was worth advocating for. The process weaved for 3 weeks with highs and lows. I was ASSURED several times everything was ok.

What happened? At best incompetence ruined my chances of employment in a field I’m qualified for. At worst? People plotted to get me for cheap and hope that I wouldn’t have the chutzpah to say NO right at the last moment. Well, I said no. Now I’m stuck again. I  really don’t know how to get through this feeling of impending doom.  Deep down, I should have just said yes and been taken advantage of. That would have been better than being discarded, I guess.