I go through so many ups and downs in a day. I wake up and can make love, have hope, feel endorphins coursing through my soul. Then I get mired in problems. My mind races. Everything is with me all at once. All current problems, all past problems, they all grapple my ankles and they feel so heavy – I can not move past them. I breath, and I hear my breath. I see the sun move across the sky, warming and noursishing – but I hide. I hide under a blanket. Sometimes a real one, sometimes a metaphorical one. 

I fear death. Sometimes I do think how wonderful it will be not to think. Then I get terrified and I cry. How long can I keep up this charade? The everlasting appearance of sanity and control? Most people think I am well reasoned, politic, and have my life under control. In reality I shy from people, I hide in bathrooms and cry. I  sit in bed and distance myself from the world.

I just want to quiet my mind. It is stressing me so bad and I am so sad.



Where is a place where it is mostly dry? I’m tired of moving to areas only to find its a wet miserable place.

Arkansas and Lousiana are where I lived the first 30+ years of my life. Hot humid hell.

Then I moved to Colorado. Humidity was lower, but it pretty much rained all freaking summer. Then the awful cold and constant snow.

Arizona was up next. Yay! A desert. Nope. 3 months a year is rendered unusable by never ending monsoonal rain and lightening. It can never just rain, there is constant threats of getting hit by a bolt out of the blue.

Hell, I took spring break off – and I was in the Mohave National Preserve, and had to abandon a hike due to a sudden downpour. 

Where are magical deserts actually located?