I go through so many ups and downs in a day. I wake up and can make love, have hope, feel endorphins coursing through my soul. Then I get mired in problems. My mind races. Everything is with me all at once. All current problems, all past problems, they all grapple my ankles and they feel so heavy – I can not move past them. I breath, and I hear my breath. I see the sun move across the sky, warming and noursishing – but I hide. I hide under a blanket. Sometimes a real one, sometimes a metaphorical one.
I fear death. Sometimes I do think how wonderful it will be not to think. Then I get terrified and I cry. How long can I keep up this charade? The everlasting appearance of sanity and control? Most people think I am well reasoned, politic, and have my life under control. In reality I shy from people, I hide in bathrooms and cry. I sit in bed and distance myself from the world.
I just want to quiet my mind. It is stressing me so bad and I am so sad.
Where is a place where it is mostly dry? I’m tired of moving to areas only to find its a wet miserable place.
Arkansas and Lousiana are where I lived the first 30+ years of my life. Hot humid hell.
Then I moved to Colorado. Humidity was lower, but it pretty much rained all freaking summer. Then the awful cold and constant snow.
Arizona was up next. Yay! A desert. Nope. 3 months a year is rendered unusable by never ending monsoonal rain and lightening. It can never just rain, there is constant threats of getting hit by a bolt out of the blue.
Hell, I took spring break off – and I was in the Mohave National Preserve, and had to abandon a hike due to a sudden downpour.
Where are magical deserts actually located?
Its tough. No matter how hard you try, the human language is rife with inadequacy. Connotations, personal experiences, emotion, blinking of eye – all serve to be a cacophony of confusion fear. Talking can be misunderstood. Silence is cherished, except for when it’s not.
5/7 of your life gone for something that Will not even matter in 100 years or less.
To know what you hate and to know what you love, especially when attaining what you might love will just cause struggle with no real guarantee of what you love ever happening.